ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. 


Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. 
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!